Someone does something bad to you. Maybe they hurt you, betrayed you, disappointed you, or simply did something you never expected from them. And after that, there are many ways you can deal with it.
You can cut them off. Fight with them. Take revenge. Give them the silent treatment.
Or, maybe, you can forgive them.
I know. “Forgive” sounds much easier when someone else is saying it. Many of us have gone through things that are not so easy to just let go of.
But I think there is something we sometimes forget.
Not forgiving someone does not necessarily hurt them. It might hurt you more.
We think staying angry, not talking to them, or holding on to what they did will somehow make them feel bad. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will apologize. Maybe they won’t. Maybe you’ll get the closure you were looking for. Maybe you never will.
But while all of that is happening, you are the one carrying the anger around.
You keep thinking about what they did. You replay the situation in your head. You wonder why they did it. You get angry all over again.
And that is where I think forgiveness matters.
Not because the other person deserves it.
Not because what they did was okay.
But because you deserve some peace from something that is already hurting you.
People have their own reasons. Sometimes they hurt you intentionally. Sometimes they don’t even realize what they did. Understanding their reason doesn’t make what they did okay, but it might help you stop carrying the hatred around forever.
And I don’t think forgiveness means you have to keep that person in your life.
This is probably where I disagree with a lot of the “just forgive and save the relationship” advice we see around us.
You don’t have to.
You can forgive someone and still walk away.
You can forgive someone and still set boundaries.
You can forgive someone and decide that you don’t trust them the way you used to.
And honestly, I think it’s okay not to forget either.
You can say,
“I forgive you for what you did, but I’m not going to forget that it happened.”
Because forgetting and forgiving are not the same thing.
You forgive so that what happened doesn’t keep poisoning you.
You remember so that you don’t let it happen again.
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